What I’m Learning - April 2020

Doubt, Mysticism, and Snails

This month, I’ve arrived at what I’ve decided to call Validation Station, which has felt pretty good except it’s looking like my next train isn’t going to come for quite some time.

Please, allow me to explain what the hell that means. 

I haven’t been sharing much about the content of my WIP, but what I will say is that I’ve been exploring the themes of choice and free will, which has led me to broader areas of paradox and non-dualism. If you’re not 100% familiar with those concepts, don’t worry, I’ve gone all David Foster Wallace and provided a very long footnote at the end of this.

If you’ve got a handle, read on. 

Each day, I believe more and more that the best writers are the most baffled, able to dive head-first into that beautiful, paradoxical bewilderment. Writing is (sort of) beginning to feel that way for me. I’ve been letting go of my fear, and allowing myself to grasp wildly in the nonsensical dark, keeping my eyes open. My book has been my flashlight, occasionally allowing me to spot the tail end of some shifting cosmic truth, anchoring me as I move on. 

It feels good, but also? It’s lonely work. Even though I’ve committed to the path, it’s easy to wonder if I haven’t gotten lost long ago. When you’ve been brought up in the Western, either-or mindset and decide to run in the realms of paradox, you need some validation once in a while. You need to look up and see the North Star, assuring you that you aren’t accidentally on the bottom side of the world.

Enter, Richard Rohr. 

Now, if you’ve been around a progressive Christian church over the last fifteen years, you’ve probably heard the name before. Or, if you’ve been one of the millions who have jumped on the Enneagram train, you have him to thank. Richard Rohr is a very popular mystic thinker in the Franciscan order of the Catholic Church. I’ve been aware of him for years—I’ve listened to him on podcasts, read some of his articles and meditations, etc. And every time I encounter his thinking, it’s ah-ha! after mmm after yesyesyes.

But to confess (Catholic pun intended), I never read one of his books until now. I’d feel stupid about it, if I didn’t trust that it was waiting for me in this exact moment in time. 

Earlier in April, I inhaled The Naked Now: Learning to See How the Mystics See. I was so enthralled with every idea and concept, you can see how much I marked up this poor, little book. There it was: paradox, choice, The Void, mystery, Presence. All the crazy-ass-shit I’ve been skipping through with my WIP, written out clearly, succinctly, and humbly. 

Validation Station - I hath arrived! Here’s a whole other book that makes sense of it all! Forget about a breath of fresh air; this was a new pair of lungs. I was on the right path.

But then, the Enneagram 1 in me started freak.ing.out. 

I mean, you can’t be ‘the idealistic type,’ read a whole book about an ‘ideal’ state of being, and not want to reach it immediately. After finishing The Naked Now, I recorded all my notes and underlines, read through all the footnotes, and started making plans to read everything from Richard Rohr, plus all his source material. 

Oh yes, was my naive reaction, if I up my yoga/meditation game and read the main works of all the mystical teachers, I’ll be able to hold all these paradoxes inside and write the greatest goddamn YA novel to ever exist. Which is crazy, because that’s basically thinking, sure, I can crack this enlightenment thing. But I’m nothing if not honest, and that was seriously my thought tornado. Embarrassing as it was.

Now, due to a deadly pandemic of which you may be aware, I’m not currently allowed to trot into my local bookstore and buy up the whole mystics section. So when I was looking for my next read, the Spirit led me (no pun, clearly I believe that shit) to my bookshelf to unthinkingly grab my husband’s copy of… Franny and Zooey. 

Do y’all know what this little book is about? Because I didn’t, until I sat down with it. (Admittedly, when I was in high school I never ‘got’ Catcher in the Rye, so I never felt compelled to read anything else by J.D. Salinger.) Franny and Zooey is composed of two short stories that were published separately, although the characters and stories are related. 

Here’s the summary. 

Part one: Franny, a modern 1950s girl in college, is given a book called The Pilgrim’s Way. It’s a real-life book about a man who becomes obsessed with the idea of ‘praying ceaselessly,’ and discovers that constant repetition of The Jesus Prayer can help reach enlightenment. It causes her to have a complete break from reality, realizing that everything around her is meaningless, and convinced that the only important thing in life is achieving oneness with God.

(*points finger at self*)

Part two: The story centers around Zooey, Franny’s older brother, and their mother, who are trying to decide how to handle Franny’s mystical madness. It’s enormously entertaining and through their dialog we learn about their family’s bizarre and tragic history. Ultimately, after some big realizations himself, Zooey helps Franny realize that it doesn’t matter how quickly or intensely someone reaches oneness, rather that God is everywhere and everyone, and by simply doing the task at hand, we can engage with The Divine.

And right in the last few pages, Zooey stumbles across a quote. A haiku, actually. When I read it—and I don’t care how corny this sounds—it brought tears to my eyes:

O snail
Climb Mount Fuji
But slowly, slowly!

-Issa

I realized this: When you’re a creative, doubt is your constant companion and you can walk alongside it. But if you want to outrun it, then you haven’t accepted it. 

After reading The Naked Now, I envisioned a reality where I have the ability and confidence to tap into Consciousness and hold it all in. And I wanted to sprint there. Franny and Zooey reminded me to slow down and accept where I am. It reminded me that I do not have to be perfect, I do not have to have it all figured out, and I sure as hell do not need to reach enlightenment to connect with others and create something meaningful. 

I am just a little snail amid whatever this is we call life, and yes, I have a mountain to climb. But by each word, each sentence, each page that I write—I know that I’m climbing, I know that I’m connecting, I know that I’m still moving up.

-Tess Canfield, April 2020 via The Latest

Here’s the definition of paradox that I enjoy: A paradox is something that initially looks like a contradiction, but if you hold it longer or at a different level, it reveals a profound truth. 

It’s hard to grasp a paradox quickly since, by definition, it requires going deep. But here’s an example of something that most would consider a paradox that makes quick sense to me: “the day is short, and the day is long.” Of course, days are always twenty-four hours. But from the perspective of looking over a lifetime, a single day is like a blink, whereas the perspective of the current moment (especially, say, during a pandemic) the day can be very, very long. So what we might learn from these conflicting statements is the deep truth we all experience time differently and personal perspective matters. 

People call the acceptance of paradox non-dualism. Or in the Eastern tradition, yin-yang polarity. It’s the belief that everything in life is not an either-or but a yes-and. No matter the faith tradition, those who argue that all basic elements of our very existence are non-dual and we can use this thinking to connect with a Higher Consciousness, are who we generally deem as ‘the mystics.’ 

And if this all sounds weird but interesting, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of The Naked Now. And if you’re like me, pick up a highlighter or pencil, too.